


Death Takes a Holiday (4.15)

by ackles_ass_equation



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 66 Seals (Supernatural), Aliases, Angel Banishing Sigil, Astral Projection, Dean's Amulet, Death's Scythe, Demonology, Enochian, Haley Joel Osment, Impala, John's Journal, Reaper - Freeform, Reaper Trap, Salt, Star Wars - Freeform, The Veil, Warding Sigils, angel lore, demon smoke, gank, iron, spells
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 16:23:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8497042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackles_ass_equation/pseuds/ackles_ass_equation
Summary: Sam n' Dean seek help from Pamela, whoz ass sendz tha brothers ta tha spiritual realm. They discover Alastair attemptin ta break tha seal causin mayhem up in tha mortal ghetto by stoppin dirtnap from occurrin up in a lil' small-ass town.





	1. Now

_EXT. BISON BUD'S BAR – NIGHT_

Two MEN, JIM JENKINS n' PETE HENSLEY, leave tha bar, rappin'.

 **JIM  
** Okay, aiiight, now, come on, you tell me—now why kick dat field goal?

 **PETE  
** Because itz called football.

 **JIM  
** Fuck dat shit, itz called fantasy football, n' dem three points screwed mah dirty ass.

 **PETE  
** Seriously, Jim, you need ta git a game.

JIM n' PETE round tha corner n' is kicked it wit by a YOUNG MAN.

 **YOUNG MAN  
** Yo, muthafuckas, gots any chizzle?

 **JIM  
** Sorry, pal.

Da YOUNG MAN pulls up a glock n' points it at JIM n' PETE.

 **YOUNG MAN  
** How tha fuck bout yo' wallets?

A BAR EMPLOYEE all up in tha Dumpsta takes notice.

 **PETE  
** No problem.

 **JIM  
** Take it easy as fuck , all right?

 **YOUNG MAN  
** Just break off tha wallets!

 **JIM  
** Hold on, man.

Da YOUNG MAN fires, hittin JIM up in tha ass. JIM falls.

 **PETE  
** Jim!

Da YOUNG MAN runs. PETE drops ta his knees next ta JIM.

 **PETE  
** Jim! Jim!

PETE looks up all up in tha EMPLOYEE.

 **PETE  
** Call 911! Now!

Da EMPLOYEE runs.

PETE do chest compressions, then breathes tha fuck into JIMz grill.

 **PETE  
** Come on.

PETE do mo' chest compressions, then goes ta repeat tha breaths. JIM inhalez on his own.

 **JIM  
** Hey.

 **PETE  
** Don't move. Don't move, man.

PETE helps JIM sit up.

 **JIM  
** I feel aiiight.

JIM pulls open his hoodie far enough ta reveal tha cap hole, wit powder marks but no blood.

 **PETE  
** Yo ass aint even bleeding.

JIM looks up.

 **JIM  
** Give me a hand.

PETE helps JIM stand.

 **PETE  
** How tha fuck you even kickin it right now?

 **JIM  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck.


	2. Act One

**DINER**

_INT. DINER – DAY_

DEAN taps a funky-ass button on tha jukebox, then thumps tha jukebox. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM be at a table, laptop open, poppin' off on tha phone.

 **SAM  
** Fuck dat shit, no, no, you right, itz definitely weird. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! ...Okay, Bobby, props.

SAM puts tha beeper away. DEAN comes over.

 **DEAN  
** Whatz good?

DEAN sits down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM starts typing.

 **SAM  
** Bobby found suttin' up in Wyoming.

 **DEAN  
** A thang?

 **SAM  
** Maybe.

DEAN bites tha fuck into a funky-ass burger.

 **SAM  
** Lil Small-Ass town, no onez took a dirt nap up in tha past week n' a half.

 **DEAN  
** That so unusual?

 **SAM  
** Well, itz how tha fuck they not dying. One muthafucka wit terminal cancer strolls right outta hospice. Another muthafucka gets capped by a mugger n' strutts away without a scratch.

 **DEAN  
** Capped up in tha ass?

SAMz browser has two tabs open ta tha  _Gaybull Gazette_ ; tha top tab has a article wit tha headline "Shootin sucka strutts away unharmed" n' tha subheadin "Man miraculously survives afta direct blasted ta heart". Da first paragraph readz "Popo n' medicinal authoritizzles is strugglin fo' a explanation as ta why local resident Jizzy Jenkins was able ta strutt away from a point-blank blastin incident fo' realz. Afta leavin Bison Budz Bar, Mista Muthafuckin Jenkins n' playa Pete Hensley was confronted by a mugger up in a nearby alley fo' realz. Afta a funky-ass brief altercation, tha mugger fired a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass blasted from a 9mm Automatic, hittin Jenkins [directly up in tha ass...]"

 **SAM  
** Popo say Mista Muthafuckin Jenkins gots popped up in tha ass at point-blank range by a nine-millimeter.

DEAN keeps smokin, bustin lyrics wit his crazy-ass grill full.

 **DEAN  
** And he not a thugged-out doughnut?

 **SAM  
** Locals is sayin itz a miracle.

 **DEAN  
** Okay.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but gots ta be suttin' nasty, right, biatch? I mean, playas makin deals or something.

DEAN considaz this.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass think?

 **SAM  
** What else would it be?

 **DEAN  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck.

 **SAM  
** All right.

SAM puts his fuckin laptop up in his bag.

 **SAM  
** Git dat ta bounce tha fuck out.

DEAN looks down n' don't move.

 **SAM  
** Come on.

SAM standz up, pickin up his bag. DEAN don't move except ta chew. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM looks at him, swingin his bag over his shoulder.

 **SAM  
** What?

DEAN looks up n' keeps chewing, then glances away n' back.

 **DEAN  
** Sure you want me goin wit yo slick ass?

 **SAM  
** Why wouldn't I?

 **DEAN  
** I don't wanna be holdin you back or nothing.

 **SAM  
** Dude, I've holla'd at you a hundred times, dat was tha siren rappin', not mah dirty ass. Can we git past this?

DEAN puts down tha burger.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, we past dat shit.

DEAN brushes off his hands.

**JIM JENKINS' HOUSE**

_EXT yo. HOUSE – DAY_

Da Impala is parked outside JIMz house. Birdz chirp.

**Gaybull, Wyoming**

**JIM (voiceover)  
** Now, you two holla'd you was bloggers?

_INT. DINING ROOM – DAY_

SAM n' DEAN is chillin at JIMz dinin room table. JIM sits down across from SAM. JIMz hoe n' daughta is visible up in tha next room.

 **SAM  
** Yes, sir. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Floored by tha Lord dot com.

 **DEAN  
** All of Godz glory fit ta blog. I be bloggin like a muthafucka up in dis biatch.

DEAN grins. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM glances at his ass n' clears his cold-ass throat.

 **SAM  
** Um. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of tha playas round hood is sayin what tha fuck happened ta you was a miracle.

 **JIM  
** It was. Plain as day.

 **SAM  
** How tha fuck can you be all kindsa sure?

 **JIM  
** How tha fuck else do you explain it, biatch? Da doctors can't. Therez a funky-ass cap up in mah ass, n' itz pumpin like a piston.

 **DEAN  
** Well, how tha fuck do you explain it?

JIM hesitates yo. Dude looks over at his fuckin lil' daughter.

 **JIM  
** Look, straight-up. I was no muthafuckaz saint—not exactly daddy of tha year, either.

 **DEAN  
** Okay.

 **JIM  
** But when dat muthafucka blasted mah crazy ass n' I didn't bleed a thugged-out drop, biatch? I just knew tha Lord was givin me a second chance.

 **DEAN  
** That so?

 **JIM  
** I had dis feeling—like angels was watchin over mah dirty ass.

JIM pauses. DEAN nods.

 **JIM  
** I wouldn't expect you muthafuckas ta understand.

 **DEAN  
** Well, we'll just gotta try.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass wouldn't have happened ta have swung by a cold-ass lil crossroadz up in tha past week or so?

 **JIM, confused  
** No.

 **SAM  
** Maybe you kicked it wit one of mah thugs, biatch? With black eyes, biatch? Or red?

JIM leans forward.

 **JIM  
** Who'd you muthafuckas say you was again?

DEAN looks over at SAM.

 **DEAN  
** Never mind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Nuff props fo' yo' time.

DEAN gets up. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM bigs up.

**MOTEL**

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT_

DEAN is chillin at a table on tha laptop, readin a shizzle article. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM opens tha door n' comes in.

 **SAM  
** Hey.

SAM closes tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. DEAN looks up.

 **DEAN  
** Anything?

SAM comes over.

 **SAM  
** That cancer survivor, biatch? Dude was clinically dead, his hoe pulled tha plug, n' now tha pimpin' muthafucka takin her up fo' they twentieth anniversary.

 **DEAN  
** Any sign of a thugged-out deal?

 **SAM  
** No. What bout yo slick ass, biatch? Found mah playas dyin round here?

 **DEAN  
** Not since Cole Griffith.

DEANz lookin all up in tha obituaries up in tha  _Gaybull Gazette_  yo. Dude clicks on tha picture of COLE GRIFFITH ta enpimpin' dat shit.

 **DEAN  
** Dude dropped ten minutes ago. Dat shiznit was tha last dirtnap I could find.

 **SAM  
** So, what tha fuck is you thinking?

 **DEAN  
** Eh, maybe it is what tha fuck tha playas say it is.

DEAN gets up. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM goes over ta tha laptop, scoffing.

 **SAM  
** Miracles, biatch? Dean, our experience, when do miraclez just happen?

 **DEAN  
** Well, there be a no deals. There's, uh, no skeevy faith healers.

DEAN pours a cold-ass lil cup of coffee.

 **DEAN  
** I mean, these souls just ain't gettin dragged tha fuck into tha light.

SAM thinks.

 **SAM  
** Maybe 'cause there be a no one round ta carry dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

DEAN comes back over.

 **DEAN  
** What do you mean?

 **SAM  
** Well, grim reapers—thatz what tha fuck they do, right, biatch? Schlep souls, biatch? So, if dirtnap ain't up in town—

 **DEAN  
** Then no muthafuckaz dying. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So what, biatch? Da local reaperz on strike, biatch? Playin tha back nine, biatch? I don't give a fuck, Sam.

DEAN dranks his coffee.

 **SAM  
** Well, then, letz rap ta some muthafucka whoz ass might.

 **DEAN  
** Well, last I checked, huggy bear ain't available.

 **SAM  
** Fuck dat shit, dude, tha kid.

 **DEAN  
** Da kid, biatch? Da kidz a thugged-out doornail.

 **SAM  
** Exactly. Look, if da thug was tha last thug ta take a thugged-out dirtnap round here, then maybe da perved-out muthafucka peeped something. We should rap ta his muthafuckin ass.

 **DEAN  
** I gots a straight-up boner fo' how tha fuck matter-of-fact yo ass be bout dis shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Strange lives.

DEAN dranks mo' coffee.

**CEMETERY**

_EXT. CEMETERY – NIGHT_

SAM n' DEAN is at a gravestone engraved "Beloved Son Cole Griffith 1997 – 2009 Forever In Our Memories". Five candlez is arranged round a pentacle drawn on a cold-ass lil cloth spread over tha grave. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM puts a funky-ass bundle of sticks up in tha centa of tha pentacle. DEAN sits on another gravestone n' flips all up in Johnz journal.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass shizzle dis is gonna work?

SAM looks up.

 **SAM  
** No. But if his spiritz around, dis should smoke his ass out.

SAM pours suttin' tha fuck into a funky-ass bowl. DEAN closes tha journal.

 **SAM  
** What?

 **DEAN  
** This thang is jacked, thatz what.

 **SAM  
** How tha fuck so?

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass want me ta gank a monsta or torch a cold-ass lil corpse, hey, letz light it up, right, biatch? But this, biatch? If we fix whatever dis is, playas is gonna start droppin dead as fuckin fried chicken. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Dope people.

SAM standz up.

 **SAM  
** Look, I don't want dem ta die, either, Dean yo, but there be a a natural order.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass is kidding, right?

 **SAM  
** What?

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass don't peep tha irony up in that, biatch? I mean, you n' me, our slick asses like tha posta thugz of tha unnatural order n' shiznit fo' realz. All we  _do_  is ditch dirtnap.

 **SAM  
** Yeah yo, but tha aiiight rulez don't straight-up apply ta us, do they?

DEAN stares.

 **DEAN  
** We no different than anybody else.

 **SAM  
** I be infected wit demon blood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! You've been ta hell.

DEAN looks away.

 **SAM  
** Look, I know you wanna be thinkin of yo ass as Joe tha Plumber, Dean yo, but you not. Neither be I. Da sooner you accept that, tha betta off you gonna be.

DEAN looks up.

 **DEAN  
** Ah, Joe tha Plumber was a thugged-out douche.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass gonna help me finish this?

DEAN standz up.

 **MAN  
** Hey!

SAM n' DEAN look towardz tha voice: itz a MAN carryin a gangbangin' flashlight.

 **MAN  
** What is you bustin here?

 **SAM  
** Uh—

SAM glances at DEAN.

 **SAM  
** Just take it easy as fuck .

 **MAN  
** What tha hell is this?

 **DEAN  
** Okay, this—this—this aint what tha fuck it looks like.

DEAN laughs.

 **MAN  
** Really, biatch? 'Cause it be lookin like devil worship.

 **DEAN  
** What, biatch? No! Fuck dat shit, dis aint devil worship. This—This is—this—this is, uh—

DEAN gives up.

 **DEAN  
** I aint gots a phat answer.

 **SAM  
** We leaving.

 **MAN  
** Yo ass aint goin anywhere.

SAM frowns. Da MAN takes all dem steps forward.

 **MAN  
** Ever again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sam.

Da MAN looks at DEAN yo. His eyes go white.

 **DEAN  
** Alastair.

ALASTAIRz eyes go back ta human.

 **DEAN  
** I thought you gots deep fried, extra-crispy.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Nah. Just tha pediatrician I was ridin yo. His hoez still lookin fo' his muthafuckin ass. It aint nuthin but hilarious fo' realz. Anyway.

ALASTAIR looks at SAM, whoz ass is fuming.

 **ALASTAIR  
** No time ta chat. Got a funky-ass bangin' date wit dirtnap.

ALASTAIR flicks his hand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! DEAN goes flyin across tha graveyard n' collides wit tha gravestone of one of mah thugs surnamed Myth, 1957 – 2001.

 **SAM  
** Dean!

ALASTAIR turns back ta SAM n' flicks his hand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Nothang happens fo' realz. ALASTAIR tries again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM smirks.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Yo ass is stronger, Sam. You've been soloflexin wit yo' lil supa-ho?

 **SAM  
** Yo ass have no idea.

SAM flicks his hand n' ALASTAIR goes flying. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM raises a hand ta exorcise his muthafuckin ass fo' realz. ALASTAIR flees tha MANz body. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM drops his hand, surprised. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! SAM watches tha smoke vanish.


	3. Act Two

**MOTEL**

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT_

DEAN is lyin on a funky-ass bed, holdin a ice pack ta his head. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! SAM opens tha door n' comes in.

 **SAM  
** How tha fuck you bustin?

 **DEAN  
** I be up in pain, thatz how tha fuck I be bustin. I be thinkin I gots a cold-ass lil concussion.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass want some aspirin?

DEAN sits up.

 **DEAN  
** No props, House. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So, demons, huh?

 **SAM  
** Yeah. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So much fo' miracles.

 **DEAN  
** And what tha fuck tha hell happened wit Alastair again?

 **SAM  
** I holla'd at you, tha pimpin' muthafucka tried ta flin me or whatever.

SAM flicks his hand up in demonstration, goin over ta tha coffeemaker.

 **SAM  
** And it didn't work, so his thugged-out lil' punk-ass bailed.

 **DEAN  
** Well, how tha fuck come his schmoooove ass couldn't flin yo slick ass, biatch? Dude chucked you pretty phat last time.

SAM turns ta grill DEAN n' pauses before answering.

 **SAM  
** Got no idea.

SAM turns back ta tha coffeemaker, then back ta DEAN when DEAN starts bustin lyrics.

 **DEAN  
** Sam, do me a gangbangin' favor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. If you gonna keep yo' lil secrets, I can't straight-up stop you yo, but just don't treat me like a idiot, aiiight?

 **SAM  
** What, biatch? Dean, I aint keepin secrets.

 **DEAN  
** Mm-hm. Whatever n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So, did you go back n' q-and-a tha dead kid?

SAM comes over ta tha other bed, holdin up a thin notebook.

 **SAM  
** Didn't have to. Bobby called. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude did some digging.

 **DEAN  
** And?

 **SAM  
** Dude be thinkin I be right. Local reaperz gone. Not just gone—kidnapped.

 **DEAN  
** By demons, biatch? Why?

 **SAM  
** Listen ta this.

SAM readz from tha notebook.

 **SAM  
** "And his thugged-out lil' punk-ass bloodied dirtnap under tha newborn sky—sweet ta taste yo, but bitta when once devoured."

 **DEAN  
** Swanky. What tha hellz dat mean?

 **SAM  
** Well, itz from a straight-up obscure, straight-up arcane version of Revelations.

 **DEAN  
** Which means what tha fuck I be thinkin it means?

 **SAM  
** Basically, you bust a cap up in a reaper under tha solstice moon—tomorrow night, by tha way—you gots yo ass a gangbangin' fucked up seal.

 **DEAN  
** How tha fuck do you ice a reaper, biatch? Yo ass can't bust a cap up in dirtnap.

 **SAM  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. Maybe demons can. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Where tha hell is tha angels is what tha fuck I wanna know. We could use they help fo' once.

 **DEAN  
** It be lookin like we gonna gotta take care of dis one ourselves.

 **SAM  
** What is we gonna do, just swin up in n' save tha thugged-out hood reaper?

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass gots a funky-ass betta idea, I be all ears.

 **SAM  
** Dean, reapers is invisible. Da only playas dat can peep dem is tha dead n' tha dying.

 **DEAN  
** Well, if pimps is tha only ones dat can peep dem wild-ass muthafuckas...

 **SAM  
** Yeah?

 **DEAN  
** Then we become pimps.

DEAN puts tha icepack back ta his head, smirking.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass do gotz a cold-ass lil concussion.

 **DEAN  
** Soundz crazy, I know.

 **SAM  
** It be crazy.

DEAN smirks more.

 **SAM  
** How?

**MOTEL AGAIN**

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY_

SAM opens tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. On tha other side is PAMELA, n' behind her DEAN. They enter.

 **PAMELA  
** I can't even begin ta rap how tha fuck wild-ass you two are.

PAMELA feels tha counter, then tha chair.

 **SAM  
** Well, Pamela, you a sight fo' sore eyes.

SAM closes tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. PAMELA turns around, lowerin her sunglasses far enough ta reveal white plastic eyes.

 **PAMELA  
** Aw, thatz dope, grumpy.

PAMELA puts her sunglasses back.

 **PAMELA  
** What do you say ta deaf people?

DEAN looks down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM looks uncomfortable.

 **PAMELA  
** Which one of y'all domeiacs came up wit astral projection?

DEAN raises a hand.

 **DEAN  
** Yo.

 **PAMELA  
** Of course. Chachi.

DEAN turns ta SAM n' grills 'Chachi?' SAM shrugs.

 **PAMELA  
** So, letz be clear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Yo ass wanna rip yo' souls outta yo' bodies n' take a lil stroll all up in tha spirit ghetto?

 **DEAN  
** Mm-hm.

 **PAMELA  
** Do you have any scam how tha fuck heavy-duty crazy dat is?

PAMELA foldz her arms.

 **DEAN  
** Maybe yo, but thatz where tha reaper is, so...

 **PAMELA  
** So, itz nuts.

 **DEAN  
** Not if you know what tha fuck you bustin.

 **PAMELA  
** Yo ass don't give a fuck what tha fuck you bustin.

 **DEAN  
** Fuck dat shiznit yo, but you do.

 **PAMELA  
** Yeah, I do fo' realz. And guess what, biatch? I be sick of bein hauled back tha fuck into yo' angel-demon, Soc-Greaser crap.

 **DEAN  
** Look, I'd ludd ta be kickin back wit a cold-ass lil cold one, watchin Judge Judy, like a muthafucka.

 **PAMELA  
** Nice. Mo' blind jokes?

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass know what tha fuck I mean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. We poppin' off tha end of tha ghetto here, aiiight, biatch? No mo' tasseled leather pants, no mo' Ramones CDs, no mo' nothing.

DEAN pauses.

 **DEAN  
** We need yo' help.

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY, LATER_

SAM closes tha curtains. DEAN flicks closed a lighta n' drops it on tha table next ta a shitload of tha nuff muthafuckin candlez burnin round tha motel room yo. Dude brangs one of tha candlez over ta a funky-ass bedside table, shieldin tha flame wit one hand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! PAMELA is chillin on a cold-ass lil chair between tha beds.

 **PAMELA  
** Tell me something, smart-ass es. Even if you do break tha fuck into tha veil n' you find tha reaper, how tha fuck you gonna save it?

SAM closes tha curtains on another window.

 **DEAN  
** With steez n' class.

 **PAMELA  
** Yo ass is gonna be two struttin piecez of fog whoz ass can't bust a nut on or move anything. You'll be defenseless, hotshot.

 **SAM  
** I seem ta recall a funky-ass bunch of pimps whoopin tha crap outta us.

 **PAMELA  
** Yeah, well, they had nuff time ta practice.

 **DEAN  
** Well, then, I guess we gots ta start cramming.

 **PAMELA  
** Fuck dat shit, couple heroes fo' realz. All right.

PAMELA pats one of tha beds.

 **PAMELA  
** Lie down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Close yo' eyes.

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY, LATER_

SAM n' DEAN is lyin on tha beds, SAM diagonally.

 **PAMELA  
** Animum vult decipi, ergo decipiatur. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vis, vis, vis. Okay, muthafuckas. Thatz dat shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Showtime.

DEAN sits up as tha room goes from full color ta shadez of blue yo. Dude looks at PAMELA.

 **DEAN  
** Well, not a god damn thang like blastin blanks. Whatz plan B?

PAMELA do not hear his muthafuckin ass. DEAN looks at SAM, lyin on tha other bed, then over one shoulder at SAM, standing. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM spreadz his hands. DEAN looks over his other shoulder at his dirty ass, unconscious on tha bed.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, I be soopa-doopa feelin up Demi Moore.

 **PAMELA  
** All right, so, I be assumin you somewhere over tha rainbow. Remember I gotta brang you back.

PAMELA standz n' goes over ta SAM. DEAN watches her muthafuckin ass.

 **PAMELA  
** I be bout ta whisper tha incantation up in yo' ear.

She leans over SAM ta do exactly that.

 **PAMELA  
** Yo ass have gots a pimped out ass.

SAM grins.

 **DEAN  
** What'd she—

DEAN looks at SAM.

 **DEAN  
** What'd her big-ass booty say?

SAM shrugs.

**STREET**

_EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET – DAY_

SAM n' DEAN strutt along tha street, lookin around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Everythang is still shaded blue fo' realz. A hoopty goes past fo' realz. A JOGGER goes right all up in SAM without noticing. DEAN laughs, watchin her go. DEAN turns back ta SAM.

 **DEAN  
** That was wild.

SAM looks at him, incredulous. DEAN sticks his thugged-out arm tha fuck into SAMz chest up ta tha elbow. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM looks down at it, then up at DEAN, grill stony.

 **DEAN  
** Am I makin you uncomfortable?

 **SAM  
** Git outta mah dirty ass.

DEAN pulls his thugged-out arm back.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass is such a prude. Come on.

DEAN keeps going. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM bigs up.

_EXT fo' realz. ANOTHER STREET – DAY_

DEAN n' SAM cross tha street. Their breath is visible up in tha cold.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, dude, we've been spookin dis hood fo' hours. No demons, no black smoke. I say our crazy asses hit Victoriaz Secret n' git our peep on, huh?

SAM looks up n' ta tha right.

 **SAM  
** Hey. Three o'clock. Kid up in tha window.

DEAN looks up. Da KID is lookin up a upstairs window at SAM n' DEAN. It aint nuthin but tha same grill from tha obituary photo earlier: COLE GRIFFITH.

 **SAM  
** Am I wild-ass or is he lookin at us?

 **DEAN  
** It aint nuthin but 'cause we've peeped his ass before.

 **SAM  
** Our thugged-out asses have?

 **DEAN  
** Newspaper n' shit. Cole Griffith, tha last thug ta take a thugged-out dirtnap up in dis town.

COLE flickers n' vanishes. DEAN n' SAM peep each other.

**COLE'S HOUSE**

_INT. COLE'S ROOM – DAY_

MRS. GRIFFITH opens tha door n' comes in, lookin around.

 **MRS. GRIFFITH  
** Cole?

She wraps her bathrobe tighter.

 **MRS. GRIFFITH  
** It aint nuthin but Mom. Yo crazy-ass daddy be thinkin I be crazy. Is you here, biatch? A picture frame fell tha fuck over n' shit. I could have sworn dat shiznit was you, baby. Is you still here wit me son?

A soccer bizzle is chillin on tha dresser n' shit. Well shiiiit, it starts spinning. MRS. GRIFFITH stares. Da bizzle flies past MRS. GRIFFITH n' bounces off tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. MRS. GRIFFITH puts her handz ta her head.

 **MRS. GRIFFITH  
** Oh, mah god!

MRS. GRIFFITH leaves tha room, goin all up in DEAN n' SAM. COLE is standin by tha dresser; tha pimpin' muthafucka throws mo' balls.

 **DEAN  
** Stop! How tha fuck is you bustin that?

 **COLE  
** Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is yo slick ass?

 **SAM  
** Relax, Cole. It aint nuthin but all gravy.

 **COLE  
** How tha fuck do you know mah name?

 **SAM  
** Look, dis aint gonna be easy as fuck ta hear yo, but...you're—dead. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass be a spirit, n' I aint talkin bout no muthafuckin Jack Daniels neither. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Us like a muthafucka.

DEAN glances back at SAM.

 **COLE  
** Yeah, props, Haley Joel. I know I be dead as fuckin fried chicken. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. What do you want?

 **SAM  
** Us playas just wanna talk.

 **COLE  
** Bout what?

**KITCHEN**

_INT. KITCHEN – DAY_

MRS. GRIFFITH pours her muthafuckin ass a glass of vodka n' takes a sip. COLE is leanin on tha wall watchin her n' shit. DEAN n' SAM is chillin all up in tha dinin room table watchin his muthafuckin ass.

 **COLE  
** I was outside all morning.

COLE turns around.

 **COLE  
** They rap ta be careful when itz cold.

 **DEAN  
** Cold air can cause a asthma attack?

COLE nods, shrugging.

 **COLE  
** But then I was up in mah room. Well shiiiit, it happened so fast. I called up fo' mah mom yo, but not a god damn thang came out. Everythang started spinning, n' then I was just standin there, lookin down at mah body.

COLE leans on tha table.

 **SAM  
** And thatz when you saw tha man?

 **COLE  
** Creepy oldschool muthafucka up in a funky-ass black suit yo. Dude wanted mah crazy ass ta go wit his ass yo, but...

COLE looks back at MRS. GRIFFITH.

 **COLE  
** I didn't want ta bounce tha fuck out.

 **SAM  
** Reaper.

DEAN nods.

 **SAM  
** How'd you git rid of him?

 **COLE  
** I didn't. Da black smoke done did.

 **DEAN  
** Black smoke?

 **COLE  
** Dat shiznit was everywhere, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. I hid up in tha closet, n' when I came out, dat shiznit was gone, n' so was he.

DEAN leans forward.

 **DEAN  
** Do you know where tha smoke went?

 **COLE  
** No. But I know where it is.

Da lights start flickering. COLE jumps. DEAN looks up. MRS. GRIFFITH looks around.

 **COLE  
** They're back.

 **DEAN  
** Who?

COLE vanishes. DEAN n' SAM look around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! A blast of wind hits dem up in tha face. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Somethang white n' human-shaped goes all up in tha room n' up tha stairs.

 **SAM  
** Another reaper.

SAM n' DEAN git up n' git all up in tha stairs.

 **DEAN  
** Yo dawwwwg! Yo dawwwwg! Wait son! We need ta rap ta you, nahmean biiiatch?

SAM n' DEAN stare fo' realz. A WOMAN descendz tha stairs: itz TESSA.

 **TESSA  
** Dean.

SAM glances at DEAN, whoz ass is still confused.

 **DEAN  
** Do I know yo slick ass?

 **TESSA  
** We go way back.


	4. Act Three

**KITCHEN**

_INT. KITCHEN – DAY_

TESSA goes tha fuck into tha kitchen, DEAN n' SAM following, n' turns around.

 **TESSA  
** Yo ass don't remember me son?

 **DEAN  
** Honestly, if I had a nickel fo' every last muthafuckin time I heard a hoe say that... Yo ass is gonna gotta freshen mah memory.

TESSA steps forward, reaches up, n' pulls DEAN down tha fuck into a kiss.

From 2.01 In My fuckin Time of Dying, up in black n' white: DEAN lyin up in a hospitizzle bed wit a funky-ass breathang tube. TESSA poppin' off ta DEAN on tha stairs. TESSA as tha white person-shape hoverin over DEAN as DOCTORS n' NURSES work ta restart his thugged-out ass. TESSA poppin' off ta DEAN fo' realz. A semitruck plowin tha fuck into tha Impala (from 1.22 Devilz Trap). Back ta TESSA humpin' DEAN, then back ta tha flashback. TESSA afta DEAN has realized she a reaper n' shit. DEAN up in a cold-ass lil corridor, TESSA as tha white person-shape flittin behind his muthafuckin ass. DEAN up in tha Impala afta tha crash, unconscious n' bloody. TESSA poppin' off ta DEAN. TESSA poppin' off ta DEAN on tha stairs. Back ta TESSA humpin' DEAN, then back ta tha flashback. TESSA as tha white person-shape hoverin over DEAN as DOCTORS n' NURSES work ta restart his thugged-out ass. Johnz journal open ta tha page on "REAPERS", "GRIM SPECTRE OF DEATH". TESSA poppin' off ta DEAN n' touchin his cheek. DEAN up in tha hospitizzle bed, wakin up. TESSA as tha white person-shape hoverin over DEAN as DOCTORS n' NURSES work ta restart his thugged-out ass.

TESSA pulls away. DEAN watches her fo' a moment.

 **DEAN  
** Tessa.

 **TESSA  
** Thatz one of mah names, yeah.

 **SAM  
** So, you do know her muthafuckin ass.

 **DEAN  
** From tha hospitizzle afta tha accident.

 **SAM  
** Da accident wit Dad?

DEAN nods.

 **SAM  
** So, dis is tha reaper dat came afta you, biatch.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah.

TESSA turns ta peep SAM.

 **TESSA  
** Well, dis was fun.

She turns back ta DEAN.

 **TESSA  
** Now, if you gonna excuse me—

TESSA moves ta turn away n' DEAN stops her muthafuckin ass.

 **DEAN  
** Wait, wait, wait, wait, you can't—you can't take tha kid.

 **TESSA  
** Why?

 **DEAN  
** Demons is up in town, thatz why. They've already snatched yo' reaper pal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Da kid knows where.

 **TESSA  
** So?

 **SAM  
** So, you should shag ass. For all we know, they could try n' snatch you, like a muthafucka.

 **TESSA  
** Except dat dis hood is off tha rails.

MRS. GRIFFITH comes outta tha dinin room, picks suttin' off a side table, puts up her hair, n' leaves. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM watches her muthafuckin ass.

 **TESSA  
** And one of mah thugs has ta set it straight.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, we KNOW dat yo, but these is special circumstances.

 **TESSA  
** What, biatch? Yo crazy-ass whole angel-demon dance-off, biatch? I could care less. I just wanna do mah thang.

 **SAM  
** Right, yeah, and, look, we wanna help you do yo' thang. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So, if you would just bail town—

 **TESSA  
** No.

 **DEAN  
** Well, then, could you hold off until we fix this, biatch? Please.

TESSA sighs.

 **TESSA  
** All right yo, but just so we clear, when I start reapin again, I be startin wit tha kid.

 **SAM  
** Understood. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! I be bout ta find his muthafuckin ass.

SAM turns ta go upstairs.

 **DEAN  
** Wait, wait, wait, wait. What—

SAM turns back.

 **DEAN  
** What is you gonna say ta him?

 **SAM  
** Whatever I have to.

SAM leaves. DEAN n' TESSA peep his ass go.

**COLE'S ROOM**

_INT. COLE'S ROOM – DAY_

SAM comes tha fuck into tha room, lookin around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude sits down next ta tha open closet. COLE is just visible inside.

 **SAM  
** This all must be pretty overwhelming, huh, biatch? Pretty freaky, like a muthafucka.

 **COLE  
** Da most shitty is mah momma.

 **SAM  
** Must be hard seein her like dis y'all.

COLE leans outta tha shadow.

 **SAM  
** Dat hoe always comin up in here, poppin' off ta me, spittin some lyrics ta me how tha fuck fucked up she is. I knock some shiznit over ta let her know I be here yo, but...she only gets sadder.

SAM laughs a lil.

 **SAM  
** Well, you might wanna ease up on tha flyin soccer balls.

 **COLE  
** I aint spittin some lyrics ta you where tha smoke is.

SAM thinks.

 **SAM  
** Hey. What if I holla'd at you dat if you helped me, you wouldn't gotta leave here, biatch? Ever?

 **COLE  
** What bout tha one downstairs?

 **SAM  
** Tessa, biatch? Oh, dat biiiiatch wouldn't bother you, biatch. No reaper would. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass could just stay here wit yo' crew fo' as long as you wanted.

 **COLE  
** Yo ass can do that?

 **SAM  
** Yeah, you bet I can do that.

 **COLE  
** Yo ass swear?

SAM hesitates.

 **SAM  
** I swear.

**KITCHEN**

_INT. KITCHEN – DAY_

**TESSA  
** I be bout ta rap , game is funky.

 **DEAN  
** What do you mean?

 **TESSA  
** Yo ass n' me, together again.

 **DEAN  
** Is you—are you bustin a move on me son?

TESSA shakes her head.

 **TESSA  
** Yo ass is tha one dat gots away, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. You'd be surprised how tha fuck lil dat happens ta mah dirty ass.

 **DEAN  
** Can I rap suttin' between you n' mah crazy ass son?

 **TESSA  
** Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck is I gonna tell?

DEAN nods.

 **DEAN  
** Afta our lil, uh, experience...for dat whole year, I felt like I had this...hole up in mah gut...like I was missin something. I didn't give a fuck what. Do you know what tha fuck it was?

TESSA listens.

 **DEAN  
** Dat shiznit was you, biatch. Da pain of losin mah daddy n' Sammy. I just...I wish I had gone wit you fo' good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! But I guess thangs is different now, nahmeean?

 **TESSA  
** What, biatch? Da angels on yo' shoulder?

 **DEAN  
** So, you know bout that, huh, biatch? Well, hey, don't git me wrong. I mean, most tha ones I've kicked it wit is dicks wit wings. But still... Yo ass know, I've done thangs yo. Horrible thangs fo' realz. And one of mah thugs upstairs still decided ta break me off a second chance. Well shiiiit, it just make me feel...I don't give a gangbangin' fuck.

 **TESSA  
** Uh-huh.

SAM clears his cold-ass throat yo. Dude has just come downstairs, COLE behind his muthafuckin ass.

 **SAM  
** Yo, muthafuckas.

 **TESSA  
** Yo, Cole. I be Tessa. I aint goin ta hurt you, biatch.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but all gravy, Cole. Just tell dem what tha fuck you holla'd at mah dirty ass.

 **COLE  
** I saw tha black smoke at mah funeral.

SAM glances back at DEAN.

 **DEAN  
** At tha cemetery?

 **COLE  
** At tha funeral home. Dat shiznit was all over dis biiiatch.

Da lights flicker n' shit. Everyone looks around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! DEAN looks at TESSA.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass bustin that?

 **TESSA  
** No.

Da front door opens. Black smoke pours through, fillin tha house. Everyone ducks as it pours over dem wild-ass muthafuckas. When it is gone, mah playas looks around: TESSA is gone.

 **DEAN  
** Tessa!

SAM looks at COLE.

 **SAM  
** Cole, you aiiight?

 **DEAN  
** Well, how tha fuck tha hell is we supposed ta fight that?

 **SAM  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. Peep some pimp moves?

 **DEAN  
** By tonight, biatch? Yeah, sure. I be bout ta hook up you back at Mista Muthafuckin Miyagi's.

 **COLE  
** Whoz Mista Muthafuckin Miyagi?

SAM looks between DEAN n' COLE.

**PORCH**

_EXT. FRONT PORCH – DAY_

DEAN, COLE, n' SAM stand on tha porch. DEAN is starin at a miniature windmill.

 **COLE  
** It aint nuthin but not gonna move if you don't concentrate.

 **DEAN  
** I be concentrating.

SAM raises his wild lil' fuckin eyebrows. DEAN lets up a funky-ass breath n' glares. Da windmill turns a quarta turn.

 **DEAN  
** Ah, here we go, baby.

Da windmill stops. COLE looks at DEAN.

 **COLE  
** Yo ass pull a muscle?

 **DEAN  
** All right, Yoda, letz peep what tha fuck you got.

COLE looks all up in tha windmill. Well shiiiit, it starts spinnin n' don't stop. Da porch swin starts swinging. Da wind chimes start chiming. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM laughs a lil.

 **DEAN  
** Dude biaaatch! Yo ass is so Amityville.

COLE grins.

 **COLE  
** This aint even tha phat stuff.

**LIVING ROOM**

_INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY_

COLE punches SAM up in tha stomach. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM foldz over.

 **COLE  
** See, biatch? If you wanna hit something, you just gots ta git mad.

SAM straightens up.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, gots dat shit.

COLE looks at DEAN.

 **COLE  
** Now you try yo. Hit mah dirty ass.

 **DEAN  
** Uh, I be thinkin I be bout ta stick ta just pickin on some muthafucka mah own size.

DEAN indicates SAM. COLE whacks DEAN up in tha face. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM laughs. DEAN rubs his wild lil' face. COLE goes over ta SAM.

 **COLE  
** Hit me as hard as you can.

 **SAM  
** Dude, I aint gonna do Fight Club wit a twelve-year-old.

COLE whacks SAM up in tha face. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM shakes it off.

 **SAM  
** All right, cut it out.

 **COLE  
** Make mah dirty ass.

COLE takes another swing. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM blocks n' swings back. COLE vanishes. DEAN n' SAM look around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! COLE reappears outta reach.

 **DEAN  
** Whoa. Whoa, you gots ta teach our asses that.

**FUNERAL HOME**

_EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT_

Da wallz of tha funeral home is covered up in glowin blue diagrams, mostly six-sided figures, some up in circlez n' some up in squares, all wit lines all up in dem n' squigglez inside tha trianglez thus formed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! DEAN n' SAM cross tha street ta tha building. Pedestrians go by, ignorin both DEAN n' tha glowin blue diagrams.

 **DEAN  
** This be lookin like  _New Jack City_. Can no muthafucka can peep this?

 **SAM  
** Maybe itz demon invisible ink. Only peep it up in tha veil.

 **DEAN  
** Any scam what tha fuck itz for?

 **SAM  
** We bout ta smoke up.

_INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT_

A door is standin open. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM goes in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. DEAN bigs up. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM goes one way round tha stairs, DEAN tha other n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM shrugs: da perved-out muthafucka saw nothing. DEAN turns around.

In tha open space up in tha middle of tha room, there be a square wit trianglez on each side ta form a eight-pointed star, wit squigglez at each point. Lyin up in tha figure is TESSA n' a oldschool playa up in a suit, presumably tha straight-up original gangsta REAPER. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM n' DEAN come fo' a cold-ass lil closer look. On tha far side of tha reaper trap be a MAN standin guard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude has not peeped SAM n' DEAN. DEAN whispers.

 **DEAN  
** Dude, check me out.

DEAN takes all dem steps forward n' vanishes yo. Dude reappears behind tha MAN n' taps his ass on tha shoulder; when tha MAN turns around, DEAN punches his ass up in tha face. When tha MAN straightens up n' takes a swing, DEAN is gone. Da MAN looks around: he n' tha REAPERS is tha only ones visible fo' realz. A hand taps tha MANz shoulder; dis time itz SAM whoz ass punches his muthafuckin ass. DEAN has reappeared on tha MANz other side n' punches again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM knees tha MAN up in tha chest. Da MAN scramblez away. DEAN kicks his muthafuckin ass. Da MAN hides behind tha coffin on tha dais. DEAN n' SAM follow his ass up.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass know, dis pimp thang, it's, itz kind of rad.

Another MAN comes up from behind a cold-ass lil curtain, carryin a cold-ass lil chain n' makin pained noises. Da first MAN scramblez over tha coffin n' outta tha way. Da second MAN pulls tha chain tight n' hooks it ta a cold-ass lil candle stand.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but iron.

Da MAN, whoz ass must be a DEMON, lets go of tha chain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. His handz is tokin. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM n' DEAN look around; tha chain surroundz dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

A third DEMON comes tha fuck into tha room.

 **DEMON  
** Boys. Find tha place aiiight?

Da DEMONz eyes roll white: itz ALASTAIR.


	5. Act Four

**FUNERAL HOME**

_INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT_

ALASTAIRz eyes return ta human. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude strutts up ta tha chain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. One of tha DEMONS handz his ass a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shotgun n' leaves fo' realz. ALASTAIR checks tha shotgun, then aims at DEAN n' fires. DEAN disintegrates.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Rock saltz not so much funk no mo', is it?

SAM glares at ALASTAIR. DEAN reappears.

 **DEAN  
** Alastair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Yo ass bastard.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Well, go on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Why don't you try a shitload of yo' mojo on me now, hotshot?

DEAN glances at SAM. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM fumes.

 **ALASTAIR  
** It aint nuthin but hard ta git it up when you not bustin yo' meat, huh?

 **SAM  
** Go ta hell.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Ah, if only I could.

ALASTAIR turns away, crossin tha room.

 **ALASTAIR  
** But they just keep bustin me back up ta dis arctic craphole.

 **DEAN  
** To bust a cap up in dirtnap?

 **ALASTAIR  
** Fuck dat shit, ta bust a cap up in dirtnap twice. Well shiiiit, it takes two ta break a seal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. I figured another one would show up, though cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. They're like lemmings.

ALASTAIR pumps tha shotgun n' fires. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM disintegrates fo' realz. ALASTAIR comes back up ta tha chain.

 **ALASTAIR  
** By tha way, it's, uh, phat ta peep you again, Dean.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass can blast our asses all you want yo, but you can't bust a cap up in us.

SAM reappears, his thugged-out arms wrapped round his cold-ass torso.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Ah, dat so?

**MOTEL ROOM**

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT_

PAMELA is still chillin up in tha chair between tha bedz wit DEANz n' SAMz bodies. Put ya muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Somethang creaks up in tha room. PAMELA looks around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch standz up n' goes over ta tha door, boltin n' chainin it fo' realz. A window is open, tha curtain blowing.

**FUNERAL HOME**

_INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT_

ALASTAIR is holdin a scythe, turnin it over up in his hands.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Anyhoo...

DEAN n' SAM peep ALASTAIR.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Moonz up in tha right spot. Da board is set. Letz git started, shall we?

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass is gonna bust a cap up in a reaper wit that, biatch? It aint nuthin but lil on tha nose, don't you think?

 **ALASTAIR  
** Is it, biatch? An oldschool playa lent it ta mah dirty ass. Yo ass know, da ruffneck don't straight-up ride a pale horse, biatch? But da ruffneck do have three amigos.

ALASTAIR goes over ta tha REAPERS.

 **ALASTAIR  
** And they just jonesin fo' tha apocalypse.

ALASTAIR kneels next ta tha oldschool playa REAPER.

 **ALASTAIR  
** It pays ta have playaz up in low places.

ALASTAIR grabs tha REAPER by tha collar n' hauls his ass up.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Don't you think?

ALASTAIR puts tha scythe behind tha REAPERz neck.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Hic cruor messorius, illud sigillum, quod luciferem reverendum obstringit, aperiat ut resurgat!

ALASTAIR pulls tha scythe. White-blue light fo' realz. ALASTAIR lowers tha dead REAPER ta tha floor fo' realz. ALASTAIR straightens up.

SAM looks up: there be a a cold-ass lil chandelier hangin above tha reaper trap.

ALASTAIR steps over tha dead REAPER n' grabs TESSA by tha shoulder, holdin tha scythe ta her neck. Dat hoe awake. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM glances between DEAN n' tha chandelier.

 **TESSA  
** Stop!

DEAN stares all up in tha chandelier n' concentrates.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Hic cruor messorius—

SAM stares all up in tha chandelier n' concentrates.

**MOTEL ROOM**

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT_

PAMELA closes tha window. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch goes tha fuck into tha middle of tha room, then approaches a cold-ass lil curtain.

 **PAMELA  
** I know you here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Whatz tha matter, you reekin lil hustla of a funky-ass biiiatch, biatch? Yo ass afraid of a skirt?

PAMELA rips back tha curtain: itz tha shower curtain, n' tha bathroom is empty except fo' PAMELA.

PAMELA leaves tha bathroom fo' realz. A DEMON is waitin just outside. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch senses his ass n' runs ta SAM, leanin over his muthafuckin ass.

 **PAMELA  
** Vis, vis, vis!

Da DEMON grabs PAMELA n' drags her up. PAMELA kicks at his muthafuckin ass yo. Dude grabs her ankle n' hauls, kickin tha chair away.

 **PAMELA  
** Son of a funky-ass biiiatch!

**FUNERAL HOME**

_INT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT_

No time has passed since cuttin away from ALASTAIR.

 **ALASTAIR  
** —illud sigillum, quod luciferem reverendum obstringit—

Da chandelier is bobbin wit tha force SAM n' DEAN is applying. TESSA watches dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

 **ALASTAIR  
** —aperiat ut—

Da chandelier falls.

 **ALASTAIR  
** —resurgat!

Da chandelier landz on a cold-ass lil corner of tha reaper trap, breakin dat shit. TESSA vanishes. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch reappears all up in tha candle stand n' unhooks tha chain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.

 **DEAN  
** Bye-bye.

TESSA, DEAN, n' SAM vanish.

**STREET**

_EXT. FUNERAL HOME – NIGHT_

TESSA n' DEAN appear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. They look around.

 **TESSA  
** Wherez yo' brother?

 **DEAN  
** I be bout ta go find his muthafuckin ass. Yo ass git outta here.

**MOTEL ROOM**

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT_

PAMELA n' tha DEMON fight. PAMELA gets loose of tha demon n' leans over SAM.

 **PAMELA  
** Animum vult decipi, ergo—

Da DEMON grabs PAMELA n' throws her across tha room, knockin over candlez n' tha coffeemaker n' shit. PAMELA sits up. Da DEMON pulls up a knife n' stabs PAMELA up in tha gut.

SAM sits up. Da DEMON pulls up tha knife.

 **SAM  
** Pamela!

SAM raises a hand n' flings tha DEMON against tha wall. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM standz n' exorcises tha DEMON wit his crazy-ass mind. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da DEMONz host slumps ta tha floor.

SAM turns ta PAMELA, crouchin down ta her level. PAMELA is laughing.

 **SAM  
** Whatz so funky?

 **PAMELA  
** I can't die—not up in dis town.

PAMELA takes her hand away from tha injury. There is no blood.

 **SAM  
** Pamela—

 **PAMELA  
** Quit yo' worrying, grumpy yo. How tha fuck bout you make me a thugged-out drink, huh?

 **SAM  
** Yo ass need a thugged-out doctor.

 **PAMELA  
** Make me a thugged-out drink, Sam.

SAM swallows.

**ALLEY**

_EXT fo' realz. ALLEY – NIGHT_

DEAN strutts along tha alley, lookin around.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Yo ass can't run.

ALASTAIR is standin up in tha alley.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Dean.

DEAN stops n' stares fo' realz. ALASTAIR advances. DEAN retreats.

 **ALASTAIR  
** Not from mah dirty ass. I be inside dat angsty lil noggin of yours.

Blue-white lightnin strikes ALASTAIR yo. Dude vanishes.

 **DEAN  
** What tha hell?

 **CASTIEL  
** Guess again.

DEAN turns around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! CASTIEL is behind his muthafuckin ass.

 


	6. Act Five

**ALLEY**

_EXT fo' realz. ALLEY – NIGHT_

**CASTIEL  
** What just happened, biatch? Yo ass n' Sam just saved a seal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. We captured Alastair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Dean, dis was a victory.

 **DEAN  
** Well, no props ta you, biatch.

 **CASTIEL  
** What make you say that?

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass was here tha whole time?

 **CASTIEL  
** Enough of dat shit.

CASTIEL looks away.

 **DEAN  
** Well, props fo' yo' help wit tha rock salt.

 **CASTIEL  
** That script on tha funeral home—we couldn't penetrate dat shit.

 **DEAN  
** That was angel-proofing.

 **CASTIEL  
** Why do you be thinkin I recruited you n' Sam up in tha straight-up original gangsta place?

CASTIEL looks at DEAN.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass recruited us?

 **CASTIEL  
** That wasn't yo' playa Bobby whoz ass called, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Well shiiiit, it wasn't Bobby whoz ass holla'd at Sam bout tha seal.

 **DEAN  
** That was yo slick ass?

CASTIEL looks down.

 **DEAN  
** If you want our help, why tha hell didn't you just ask?

 **CASTIEL  
** Because whatever I ask, you seem ta do tha exact opposite.

 **DEAN  
** So, what tha fuck now, huh, biatch? Da playas up in dis town, they just gonna start dyin again?

 **CASTIEL  
** Yes yes y'all.

 **DEAN  
** These is phat people. What, you be thinkin you can make all dem exceptions?

 **CASTIEL  
** To every last muthafuckin thang there be a season.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass made a exception fo' mah dirty ass.

CASTIEL pauses, then looks at DEAN.

 **CASTIEL  
** Yo ass is different.

A long pause. TESSA is next ta DEAN.

 **TESSA  
** Dean, biatch? I could use yo' help.

CASTIEL is gone.

**COLE'S HOUSE**

_INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT_

MRS. GRIFFITH is lookin at a memory book. There be a picture of COLE, age 3, n' a lock of his hair. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch turns tha page; there be a photo of MRS. GRIFFITH wit COLE as a lil' small-ass child. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! COLE is watchin her n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch is crying.

 **TESSA  
** Yo, Cole.

COLE startlez n' turns around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! TESSA is there, bustin a white dress instead of tha jeans n' black jacket of a moment ago. DEAN is behind his muthafuckin ass.

 **COLE  
** Tell yo' brutha props fo' nothing.

DEAN looks down.

 **TESSA  
** Look at her, Cole.

COLE glances back.

 **TESSA  
** Do you peep how tha fuck unaiiight she is?

 **COLE  
** Thatz why I wanna stay wit her muthafuckin ass.

 **TESSA  
** As long as dat thugged-out biiiatch can feel you, she'll be up in pain, cuz dat thugged-out biiiatch can't let go.

COLE glances back again.

 **TESSA  
** Because you won't let go of her muthafuckin ass.

 **COLE  
** Why won't anybody tell me whatz on tha other side?

 **TESSA  
** Maybe no muthafucka wants ta fuck up tha surprise.

DEAN looks away.

 **COLE  
** Thatz not a answer.

 **DEAN  
** Bitch won't answer you, Cole. Reapers never do. But trust mah dirty ass. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Stayin here be a whole lot worse than anythang over there.

 **COLE  
** Why?

 **DEAN  
** Because one day, yo' crew is ghon be gone, n' there'll be not a god damn thang left here fo' you, biatch. It aint nuthin but all gravy ta be trippin like a muthafucka.

 **COLE  
** I aint trippin like a muthafucka.

 **DEAN  
** We all trippin like a muthafucka. Thatz tha big-ass secret. We all trippin like a muthafucka.

A pause.

 **COLE  
** Is you coming?

TESSA looks down.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, I be shizzle I be bout ta be there sooner than you think.

COLE looks back at MRS. GRIFFITH yo. Dude unfoldz his thugged-out arms n' strutts toward TESSA. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch hugs him, closin her eyes yo. Dude melts tha fuck into her, vanishin up in white light.

MRS. GRIFFITH looks up. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch don't look as sad.

TESSA turns ta grill DEAN.

 **DEAN  
** Look up fo' dat boy.

 **TESSA  
** Look up fo' yo ass, Dean.

 **DEAN  
** What do you mean?

 **TESSA  
** I've been round dirtnap from tha get-go. Yo ass know what tha fuck I peep most, biatch? Lies. Put ya muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! "Dat punk up in a funky-ass betta place." "At least they together now, nahmeean?" Y'all lie ta yourselves, Dean, 'cause like you holla'd, deep down, you all trippin like a muthafucka. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Quit lyin ta yo ass, Dean.

 **DEAN  
** What?

 **TESSA  
** Da angels have suttin' phat up in store fo' you, biatch fo' realz. A second chance. Fo' realz, biatch? 'Cause I be pretty sure, deep down, you know suttin' nastyz comin down tha road. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Trust yo' instincts, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Therez no such thang as miracles.

 **DEAN  
** What is you saying?

TESSA say not a god damn thang fo' realz. A moment later, her ass is gone.

**MOTEL ROOM**

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT_

PAMELA sits on tha edge of DEANz bed, one hand ta tha stab wound, leanin on tha other.

 **PAMELA  
** Imum vult decipi, ergo decipiatur. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Vis, vis, vis.

PAMELA gets up ta move ta tha other bed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! SAM gets up ta help her muthafuckin ass.

 **SAM  
** Yo, our laid-back asses just gots ta rap ta Tessa, thatz all. Git her ta hold off reapin till we git you better.

 **PAMELA  
** I be pretty shizzle her big-ass booty started up again.

Blood is pourin over PAMELAz hand.

DEAN takes a thugged-out deep breath n' sits up. PAMELA takes a thugged-out drink. Dat hoe breathang hard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! DEAN looks at PAMELA n' sees tha blood.

 **DEAN  
** What happened?

 **SAM  
** Dean, wherez Tessa?

 **DEAN  
** She's...

PAMELA takes off her sunglasses.

 **SAM  
** Pamela, I be soopa-doopa sorry bout dat bullshit.

 **PAMELA  
** Stop.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass don't deserve this.

 **PAMELA  
** Yeah, I don't. I holla'd at you I didn't want anythang ta do wit all dis bullshit. Do me a gangbangin' favor, biatch? Tell dat bastard Bobby Singer—to git all up in hell fo' eva introducin me ta you two up in tha straight-up original gangsta place.

PAMELA starts coughing.

 **DEAN  
** Take it easy as fuck , Pamela. If itz any consolation, you goin ta a funky-ass betta place.

PAMELA turns her head toward DEAN.

 **PAMELA  
** Yo ass is lying.

SAM looks at DEAN.

 **PAMELA  
** But what tha fuck tha hell, right, biatch? All Y'allz gots ta go sometime.

PAMELA beckons SAM closer.

 **PAMELA  
** Come here.

SAM leans close. PAMELA whispers up in his wild lil' fuckin ear.

 **PAMELA  
** I know what tha fuck you did ta dat demon, Sam.

SAMz eyes widen.

 **PAMELA  
** I can feel whatz inside of you, biatch. If you be thinkin you have phat intentions, be thinkin again.

PAMELA starts coughin again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch leans back against tha headboard, a trickle of blood comin outta her grill, n' is still.

 **SAM  
** Pamela?

PAMELAz head slides down.

 **DEAN  
** Pamela!

DEAN looks at SAM.

 **DEAN  
** What did her big-ass booty say ta yo slick ass?

SAM looks away.


End file.
